So you want to be a writer?

Ever wondered what it’s like to be an author? It’s not all moleskin notepads and brunch, you know. Here are a few things I’ve done in the name of writing:

– Googled “what does a fresh body smell like?”

– Asked a nice ex-soldier for his email address so I can contact him *for research purposes*

– Learned how to swear in at least six different languages.

– Tried windsurfing (“tried” being the operative word).

Fuck, this is cold.

– Crawled around in the back of an Aston Martin Rapide while a bemused salesman looked on.

– Shot an AR-15 (yes, I hit the target).

– Taken an impromptu trip to Jordan to see what the desert looked like.

– Run two miles uphill and climbed over a security barrier to check out the pit lane at Le Mans.

Fuck, this is wobbly.

– Sat in my kitchen making different facial expressions to see if they feel the way I described them.

– Bought forty pens in one shopping trip when I do most of my writing on my iPad.

– Apologised to my mother for yet another sex scene.

– Started reading a scene out loud only to realise I’m in public and people are watching.

– Yelled at my other half for breathing too loudly while I’m trying to concentrate (sorry).

I'm standing up!

– Made up stories about random people sitting in coffee shops.

– Named characters I don’t like very much after people I don’t like very much.

– Done a whole hour’s research for what amounts to two lines in a book.

– Worn my pyjamas for a week straight when I was on a deadline.

Crashing into a boat.

– Texted my dad in the middle of the night to ask how to make a car’s brakes fail.

– Lived on coffee and pizza for an entire week.

– Watched enough porn that I want to bleach my fucking eyes out.

– Sort of regretted that I’ve never dated a complete dick because it would have been an “interesting experience.”

– Driven around the M25 in the wrong direction without noticing because I was too busy thinking about a scene.

Crashing into a different boat.

– Visited a mixing desk factory to learn how they work.

– Vacuumed the entire house because it’s more fun than editing.

– Paid attention during anti-money laundering training so I could use the information in a book.

– Borrowed a small child for the day. It was exhausting.

– Actually written stuff.

Woohoo! This is kinda fun after all.